exaggerated expectations
I’ve always had exaggerated expectations. No matter what’s coming, I expect a grander gesture than reality normally accounts for. I have a tendency to over romanticize everything which is bold for someone who’s never had a boyfriend. For a long time, I went out of my way to be there for others in the hopes that they would go out of their way for me too. Eventually I just wanted to do nice things for others because it made me happy even if it was stressful or hard for me to do. I stopped wanting it to be reciprocated. Would it be nice? Yeah, of course. But I just don’t expect it anymore; sometimes living in reality is healthier than wishing for a fantasy. Living in reality can often be really difficult. Ever since I can remember, I’ve preferred daydreaming.
I grew up constantly thinking about what my life would be like. I went to bed imagining my wedding (watching every “Say Yes to the Dress” episode 5 times over), and basically expecting my life to be like a Hallmark movie. I read novel after novel and watched rom-com after rom-com until I thought I understood what I wanted my life to be. So naturally I have these grand expectations of what my life will look like; how my relationships will unfold.
Here’s what I want it to be now: I’ll have 2 golden retrievers and a cat. My gorgeous husband and I will be happy all the time. I’ll have identical twin boys who are artists, athletes and activists in their own right. They’re unique and independent, but need their mom still. I will have a big master bedroom with gorgeous décor, elegant architecture, and a huge window next to my bed that leads out onto a Juliet balcony above our wrap around porch that connects my to my own personal library. I’ll also have the cutest indoor-outdoor glassed in reading nook with Swedish cabin inspiration.
I’ll wake up and watch the sunrise while discussing feminist and political memoirs with my husband. I’ll make my kids healthy yummy breakfasts and very extra lunches with toys and notes (like that epic mom on TikTok.) I work from home with my best friends on our skin care line that we founded all together with sustainable ingredients and packaging (all ethically produced of course.) Then I’ll go give a talk on my speaking tour for my best-selling book. Then I’ll run for the Senate and win by 99%. When I can take a break from my skin care line, speaking tour, and the Senate floor, my friends and I will take our gorgeous families to a house we bought together on a lake and drink mimosas on the deck while our kids play in the sand. I’ll open an amazing bakery there, only open during the summers. All of our kids will be best friends and will one day all fall in love and get married. Then when they’ve all grown into successful people, my husband and I will travel to Italy where we’ll live on the countryside in a castle with a huge garden within walking distance of a farmer’s market and hiking trails. That’s what my future will be. I’m really not asking for much…right?
This pandemic has taken so much from all of us, but it’s also given me more time to think. Why do I think I need these things? Why do I think I need my life to be the way? Why was I constantly obsessing over every little thing in my life? I’ve come to realize that these exaggerated expectations are born from a sense of insecurity. I tell myself I need these things or want these things because I was unhappy with just being by myself. Over these last few months I’ve had an opportunity to embrace solitude more than ever before and genuinely look forward to the time I get to spend with myself. Getting to know me. Whether that’s found in my daily yoga practice, meditation, work, or reading, I’ve come to find that the things that once made me happy never truly satisfied me. By indulging in those moments that give me satisfaction, I’ve discovered who I think I want to be.
BIG emphasis on ‘think” though…I’m only 18.
